Because of the circumstances, we have decided not to have you visit just now. Zach believes that certain ways the family is structured are not healthy for the baby.
What on earth does that have to do with anything, Claire? I asked.
“Zach…” she was silent for a moment before she continued. He says that we shouldn’t raise our child to believe that being a single mom is ordinary.
I was simply dumbfounded. Claire saying she had to clean up Jacob’s nappy just flew right over my head. I wasn’t aware of her goodbye or the call being ended.
I kept quiet. Not because there was no reason to speak, but because what hid in my throat was so powerful it might’ve hurt both of us.
She never said I was doing Stella a favor. Not “Mom.” Not “Mama.”
As soon as the call ended, I went into the spare room. I had painted it with soft green and blue colors. I bought the rocking chair used and covered it with new upholstery myself. This one I set up as a nursery to bring the baby home to.
There was a small silver rattle that had come from my mother’s family. I used water, lemon and a cloth to make the silver sparkle beautifully.
Taped inside one of the dresser drawers was a navy blue box. That place was holding all the college memories I had developed over time. Each penny, every birthday gift and Peter’s gifts from Claire: each and every bit was for my first grandchild.
I lay down on the floor. For some time, I simply let myself feel the pain.
I feel everything that comes up for me. The rejection. The erasure. The pain of feeling she’d ruined her clean, organized life.
I put all my things into a box after that.
Early the following day, I went to the church food pantry by car. I spent more than six months volunteering at that place. Sorting the cans, giving out diapers and filling the chipped mugs with coffee.
That experience led me to meet Maya. At the age of 24, she no longer had a retail job. Maya’s daughter Ava was a calm and peaceful baby who would rarely cry, preferring instead to fit close to Maya’s chest just in case the world betrayed her.
As I went in, Maya looked away from her place in the corner. She seemed very tired. I was reminded of Claire, before everything started to become complicated, by what I saw in her.
